Lately, I have observed that some people have not been engaging with their feelings on a deeper level and have been tending to withdraw or shy away from risking emotional exposure. More often than not, these patterns are not related to caring less but rather to some underlying psychological patterns. One such pattern is the dismissive avoidant attachment style, which shapes the intimacy, connection, and emotional security of the particular individual in a significant and negative manner.
Engaging with a close partner or spouse in a relationship with one emotional block is equally as painful as being told to “shut down emotionally. These are the signs of a dismissive attachment style.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – having the closest relationship to being lonely in intimacy
Constructing a strong bond with a caring, attentive, and responsive attachment figure is the foundation of confidence and self-esteem in the years to come. These relationships are the setting of nurture and comfort, and as such, set the ground for the relationship types one will have. These can be simplified in a model of four attachments:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Disorganized
In the avoidant group, the removal of “dismissive” is almost commonly found in an individual who hyper values their autonomy. As a result, emotional needs are neglected on a structural and systematic level.
When a child’s emotional needs are repeatedly and consistently ignored or left cold, this belief system is triggered. Self-eradication is the only method of surviving, and in that sense, dependence is seen as a weakness.
What is the Dismissive Avoidant Style?
The clearest hallmark of the dismissive avoidance style is emotional detachment and the almost phobic concern with intimacy. As such, there is a preference for ‘being alone’ and self-sufficiency. In truth, the person with such an attachment style, with their veneer of assured self-possession, is deeply afraid of being vulnerable and close.
Someone with a dismissive style pattern may:
- Downplay the likelihood of emotional involvement and bonding.
- Avoid any form of conflict, vulnerability, or emotional engagement, and deep talk.
- Brush aside any emotional issues someone is trying to tackle.
- Dismiss or show apathy to a person’s presence, and act indifferent or unavailable.
- End relationships rather quickly when the relationship deepens.
It is not that the emotions don’t exist; it is that they have been conditioned to suppress the emotions for their own psychological safety.
See also: Sweet Relief: Unpacking the Health Benefits of Xylitol Chewing Gum
Signs of a Dismissive Avoidant Style
Discerning this style in oneself or in others may be difficult because avoidant people, if not anxious, often come across as quick-witted, competent, and delightful. That said, with the approach of a long period of observation, patterns do begin to emerge.
Inability to Trust People
Individuals with this style may maintain people at a distance as a means of emotionally self-protection. The loss of control or emotional pain constitutes a ‘dreaded’ outcome. Control is more of a barrier and trust is, surprisingly, a bridge.
Avoiding Vulnerability
People avoid expressing feelings or emotional needs completely when it is uncomfortable. For a person with a dismissive attitude, when someone else becomes emotional, they may turn off or leave.
Being More Self-Helpers
More than a preference, distance is a need. For some people, even healthy interdependence can be a source of dread or claustrophobia.
A Derogatory View of Relationships
More often than not, people adopt this style of attachment to claim that relationships are not needed or that romantic connections are overrated. This is a defense deployed to protect emotional vulnerabilities.
The Consequences in Romantic Relationships
People with dismissive tendencies often appear emotionally cool or emotionally unbothered. However, turmoil is an ever-present guest. The emotional distance they create results in pain, confusion, and rejection for the partner.
Emotional Disregard
All things being equal, partners may feel a lack of attention, affection, and recognition. Despite the presence of shared activities, a lack of emotional bonding and give-and-take is frequent.
The Dance of Intimacy
People with a dismissive attachment style tend to desire closeness, but when it is available, they pull back. This sets up the partner with a feeling of imbalance due to the hot-and-cold behavior.
Difficulty with Conflict Resolution
Instead of resolving conflict proactively, a dismissive individual is likely to distance themselves from the conflict, use the ‘silent treatment’, or avoid any communication that requires conflict to be resolved, at all costs.
Sabotaging Intimacy
Cautious self-sabotaging behaviors, such as ending relationships that appear, on the surface, to be ‘too good’ or cutting emotional ties, once things get more serious, can be attributed to the anxiety of exposing one’s vulnerability.
Understanding the Emotional Landscape
Certainly, one can mete out the label ‘cold’ or ‘uncaring’ to people with a dismissive character. But quite frankly, the truth is, the person is more likely to carry unresolved emotional wounds, many of which might stem from childhood. These have significantly affected what such individuals view as closeness, love, or a feeling of safety.
Everyone can relate to having emotional walls. Often, people with emotional walls also have:
- The anxiety of being smothered or controlled
- They believe the only person they can genuinely count on is themselves
- They tend to have shame regarding their emotions, needs, or the ways in which they express them
- A developed coping strategy, one that is in response to erratic or inconsistent caregiving
If we really want to deal with the emotions in people, we need to check their inner reality and shift the focus from criticism to understanding.
Has a Dismissive Attachment Style Person Performed Change?
Yes, without a doubt, change is achievable. While the patterns of attachment that one tends to have developed in their formative stages, these parameters are certainly changeable. Awareness of a specific matter and diligent work can lead to one discovering a healthier manner of attachment.
Healing does include considering the following concepts:
- Identifying patterns of avoidance in interpersonal relations
- Acquiring the skills of emotional communication and self-regulation
- Setting aside defensive postures and being open enough to show vulnerability
- Reprocessing early memories in therapy
There is a need for both internal effort and safe external surroundings to promote emotional development.
What Makes the Change
Dismissing a description of the self while having a dismissive attachment style needs practical techniques and a willingness to embrace emotional disruption. Here are the tested options:
Attention and Self Observation
Mindfulness is useful in increasing awareness of avoidance habits. The cultivation of present awareness helps persons to identify when withdrawal is their preferred response and actually choose to respond.
Writing About the Feelings
Due to the nature of emotional expression, journaling could be a soft tool in drawing the boundary and recognizing.
Engaging in Exposure Therapy
Begin by taking small steps. Communicate a vulnerable belief to a trusted individual, or state a need in a situation that is relaxed and safe. Gradual exposure helps to build confidence and tolerance.
Finding Secure Attachments
To help dismissive responses, being in the company of safe individuals is helpful. Such associates provide and model appropriate and healthy relationships and offer safe spaces to grow.
Professional Therapy
Therapists who are trained in attachment theory can guide patients in examining their past trauma, reframing core negative beliefs, and constructing new patterns of relational behavior. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Schema Therapy are among the most effective.
For Partners of Dismissive Individuals
Being in a relationship with a partner who has dismissive tendencies is akin to loving someone who is perpetually not there. While being a willing partner is necessary, self-boasting also holds importance.
Managing these relationships can be challenging, but there are helpful strategies:
- Establish clear and sustainable emotional limits
- Advocate for yourself in a persistent and calm manner
- Do not take personal withdrawal—it is a reflection of their coping strategy and not a representation of your value
- Do not actively pursue or pressure them to share
- Please encourage them to go to therapy, but do not demand that them change
Feelings of clarity do not equate to the absence of emotional neglect, and relationships need to be reciprocal in support for the two people involved.
When to Seek Help
It is no secret that some people manage well with mild avoidant traits, while intense dismissive behavior leads to introspection, failed relationships, or emotional shutdown. Being dismissive and avoidant is a lifelong sentence, but seeking help is a brave thing to do.
You might benefit from support if you:
- struggle to maintain close associations,
- feel numb or disconnected emotionally,
- feel anxious or frightened in close physical proximity to others,
- suppress your needs or feelings,
- use isolation as the primary coping mechanism,
The first step to healing in any situation is recognizing the pattern and deciding to address it thoughtfully and intentionally.
Final Thoughts
Healing from neglect is something that both the person living it and the people affected by it need to start doing together, and understanding the dismissive avoidant attachment style first is the easiest step forward. There is a person behind the emotional distance who learned at some point in their life that closeness could cause pain, and those walls need to be replaced with trust. This is achievable through guidance, self-awareness, and safe connection.
In CA Mental Health, we aid those individuals as well as those in relationships with people who are ready to examine their connection patterns and are willing to step out of emotional isolation. Self-understanding and the courage to ask for assistance are the primary things that need to be recognized, and from thereon, healing can begin.
